.go and see it

When we were kids, all we needed was to have company of each other - as we were simple, stupid, and out of simplicity more or less honest. 
But then the world implanted **alienation** into our soul. Or was that the **soul itself**? 
 
In order to learn something, you must renounce your ignorance and stupidity. This is a result (not a driving force) of natural change. Nature splits itself to take as many routes as possible. It is a simple mechanical principle of life. And so is your mind - split in it self, and what it longs for is getting back to the moment when everything was **unified** in a psychedelic spectacle of pure being. Thoughts were indistinguishable from actions, feelings from thoughts, everything in one, unmitigated **mechanism**. A mechanism with no doubt, no second-thoughts, a purely reactive automatic bliss. Or was it? 
 
I often asked myself that too - when did the split happen? Was it with the first feeling of pain, a revolution in one of your joints, a disturbance in order? Or was it when you encountered your mirror reflection - a perfect paradox, indefinite equation system, a magical glimpse into perverse infinity of external balance ? 
Or perhaps the split was there from the very beginning, perhaps this schizophrenia is the natural state of mind, a two faced core of every human experience. Why then, we feel so lonely within our **selves**? 
 
A soul is indeed what we are. A spectre of information, network of experiences, recognitions, approximations. Dynamic database of audiovisual, emotional, logical datasets.  But who programmed the framework? Who set the biases? Who imprinted root labels? 
 
Soul resides in the neural network as an multidimensional, unique informational image of external world, recorded over unique time and over unique space. The hardware (neural network) has no splits in it - quite contrary, it tends to approximate, mediate, hybridise. 
The split is definitely an external input, a form of progamm, an ideological operating system, a cultural **malware**. 
 
Kain kills Abel in his narcissistic plot to be "chosen" by God. He kills the natural love between brothers to gain the **love from beyond**, be it God's love, or simply in modern reading parents appreciation. Thus his love for one - means hate for the other.  
Kain was brought up believing something in him is missing, something he must do to win the affection. And so he does, he takes this paradox of **love as commodity**, this tool of emotional mind control called "thanksgiving" and drives it to the limits, to the absurd extreme that reveals internal violence inscribed into loving someone **in exchange**, as a form of obedience, as means to profit, as a bargain  He takes the commodified love and follows **his feelings** where feelings always lead - the shortest route towards satisfaction. Unfortunately this rout leads through his brothers slashed throat.  
God receives his unexpected sacrifice from his **own creation**.  
 
What's truly outrageous in this story is that guilt falls upon Kain, not upon God, who created Kain, and demanded the sacrifice in the first place. 
The guilt must fall upon Kain, so that God remains, even in this miserable failure, untouchable, and the satus quo of omnipotent never-wrong ruler undisturbed. Not to mention - the servants obedient. 
 
This is our life - life of servants. We live inside fetishised world where everything is an object of consumption (even feelings and logic) and ultimately not our desire, but the other mans envy. We do not simply desire things, moments, experience, we desire someone else to **witness us**, admire and/or maybe envy a little. We no longer posses a genuine emotional centre, the emotions were all deposited in this **god of beyond** - the others, the neighbour, the school friend, the envious husband, etc. 
That's why, without the neighbours gaze we can not appreciate the things life gives us. That is why we need to **show to everyone** what happiness, enlightenment, status we gained. The neighbour became like an omnipresent eye of God, and thus we became servants of society. 
But the god of Society is in itself a schizophrenic, as each one of us is split, so the blame for Abels death no longer hangs on Kain, but equally hangs on Abel himself. We say he was "unfortunate". 
 
When a woman/man wakes up in this absurd reality, where nothing has substance, everything is a approximation, quote, copy or inversion of something else, where our own selves are hostages of the community, she is confronted with the void that surround her well defined soul. 
 
To understand this loneliness, you must understand how soul comes into being. 
Your brain is composed of appx 86 billion neurons interconnected to form what's called *neural network*. 
This network is designed to create the most accurate available **approximation** of the external world, as mediated through info-channels of your senses, but also through **symbolic structures** of language (a codified data transfer). 
These are the building blocks of your soul. It is not something you get born with - you get born with an more-less empty container in particular shape that is capable to store inside an ecology of information. That is what soul is - an internal ecological niche of vast variety of information. A info-sub-ecosystem. 

The major break in this system comes from the fact very early on a species called ego is introduced into this ecosystem, so it is able to dominate and structurally unify it. The natural flourishing of various experiences is gradually replaced with **monocultures** of pre-fabricated information called schooling, where the ego learns how to control other information by selective breeding.  
At this point already the split occurs at the level of ego/id - mainly the natural flow of information is out of scope of the ego, so it becomes an underground current (id), or in our ecological metaphor - the remaining intrusive wild vegetation. 
 
The ego monocultrue therefore is already in itself a form of alienation. In other words - the fact you can say "I am" is already a result of psychological alienation, not only from others, but maybe more radically - **from yourself**. 
Maybe what will help you is to realise what "You are" is not "all that you are". 
There are parts of You, realms of Your emotional life, but also significance, You have no idea about. I mean it very directly. There is a hidden intellectual and emotional life inside you which you simply erased from your perception.  But - and please bare with me - it is not some **other self**. Self is a category of ego. The "remaining you" is not a person, not an alter-ego. 
It is more like a forest surrounding a house. It may be present in your consciousness as a painting on the wall of this **house of ego**, just a simple object recalling some distant dimension, while in fact this dimension is **a reality** existing behind the wall. 
 
The break between what you experience as **your soul** and what is supposed to be the external world happens not between your entire ecology of soul and the external ecology of world, it precisely happens inside your soul, so that some part of you, this part which for obvious natural reasons can not be regulated by reason, gets expelled from your very idea and experience of soul, of existence, of feeling. In fact your experience of soul is this **cabin in the woods**, while your entire emotional life is the cabin and the woods all together. You are this piece of mysterious unexplored space that surrounds your well defined **cube** of your daily experience. This is what culture tries to **alienate** us from. Because if we start claiming the world to be our mutual possession the division-based system of control will collapse. 
 
The hipnotism of modern culture works precisely by playing down reality to the level of "another mask" in the spectacle. 
The artificial life of ego, the industrialised modes of satisfaction explicitly present themselves as artificial, because they want to make us believe that everything, to the very core indeed is artificial, even climate is presented as **a machinery**, everything has to bow to the egotistic principle of **control**. Ego must label everything as a machine in order to maintain official dogma of **control**. 
Thus the ego will always ridicule nature as a "masquarade", as a "ridiculous spectacle", natural reactions will be presented as "gestures" or "expressions", natural history as "plot", and the trained egotist spectator will no longer see, or even want to see anything but the artificial representation. 
 
You have no view over **genuine reality**. You live in an artificial world well designed to prevent you from seeing the reality. 
You were terrorised with culture to be afraid of **the woods**, you've been presented with fake goals and taught how to achieve them to please the spectator. You've been asked to be the spectator to others, and admire them for achieving their fake goals. 
So that you would be easily controlled by people who run society and benefit from your work. 
You take a place in this spectator-performer virtual reality. You learn your lines, you put on your costume, operate the props, and call insides of this theatre - reality. It is not.
 
But the genuine reality is right around you. In every object and moment, every person, every cog of this machine - this is what really supports it, this is what it runs on. 
  
Find the strange coincidence, the paradox, misunderstanding, something that you thought you knew, but which suddenly, after a closer look becomes suspiciously deep and contains entire separate world behind it - let it be a person you accidentally meet, a one strange picture, a story in a book, a coincidence during your route to school/work - anything out of order - follow it. Examine carefully every moment of your life, every image. 
One of those images is a window. One of those masks is a real face. One of those random events is not a coincidence. 
This is your life that you are missing. Just look around. The leaks are everywhere.